Matt Christopher's Football Jokes and Riddles Read online

  Copyright

  Text copyright © 1997 by Matthew F. Christopher

  Illustrations copyright © 1997 by Larry Johnson

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue

  New York, NY 10017

  Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com

  First eBook Edition: December 2009

  ISBN: 978-0-316-09512-9

  Contents

  Copyright

  Begin Reading

  To my brother, Mike, with a bushel of love and laughs

  —M. C.

  To my family, who deceived me into thinking I was funnier than I am

  —L. J.

  Quarterback: My dog really knows how to play football.

  Center: I don’t believe it. Prove it!

  Quarterback: OK. Fido, who are the guys in the black-and-white shirts on the field?

  Fido: Ref! Ref! Ref!

  Fan #1: Does water always come through the dome roof like this?

  Fan #2: Only when it rains!

  Quarterback: I passed your house this morning.

  Wide Receiver: Wow! You did? What an arm!

  Fan #1: Which NFL receiver can jump higher than a house?

  Fan #2: All of them. Houses can’t jump!

  A Little Traveling Music, Please, Or Try to Get a handle on It

  In the 1890s, the Harvard College football team thought of a unique way to protect the ballcarrier. They sewed suitcase handles onto their uniforms so that offensive players could grasp nearby teammates and create a moving chain of blockers!

  Hidden Talent

  Auburn University coach John Heisman, for whom the Heisman Trophy is named, was once asked by a player if it was against the rules to hide the football. Heisman answered that it was not, but the question did give him an idea. In a game against Vanderbilt in 1895, he instructed his player to hide the ball under his jersey. The play went fifty yards for a touchdown!

  Go, “Fadded Maroons”?

  The Arizona Cardinals started out as a Chicago amateur team in 1899. In 1901, the team founder, Chris O’Brien, bought used maroon jerseys for his players. The jerseys soon faded to a color O’Brien described as “cardinal red”; hence he dubbed the team the Cardinals. Now, if the jerseys had been brand new, would he have called the team the “New Jerseys”?

  All Swimming Team

  Ricky Watters

  James Brooks

  Carnell Lake

  Hampton Pool

  Gerald Tubbs

  Bob Waterfield

  What four letters can stop a quarterback sneak?

  O, I C U!

  Why was Cinderella such

  a poor football player?

  She had a pumpkin

  for a coach!

  Why was Cinderella thrown off the football team?

  Because she ran away from the ball!

  What the Refs Say

  Intentional grounding of pass

  Interference with forward pass or fair catch

  Illegal substitution or too many men on the field

  Unsportsmanlike conduct

  Illegal contact

  What the Players Hear

  You do the hokey-pokey, and you turn yourself around…

  Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake…

  Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes…

  I can fly! Really, I can!

  Stop! Please run between the white lines!

  Go Home and Sleep on It, Or a Dummy at Yale!

  One of football’s most inventive coaches was Amos Alonzo Stagg. While a student at Yale in the late 1800s, he noticed that players were having a hard time learning to tackle below the waist. So he rolled up a mattress and hung it from the ceiling. Then he placed another mattress under it. Thus was born football’s first tackling dummy.

  Grab Him by the Horns!

  In 1948, Los Angeles Rams halfback Frank Gehrke painted horns on his team’s helmets—the first helmet emblem in professional football. It’s a good thing his logo design wasn’t three-dimensional!

  By Special Order of the President

  In the early days of football, players could run with the ball but not pass it. Defensive players showed no mercy when attacking the offense, and the ball handlers often wound up at the bottom of a bone-crushing pileup! In fact, in 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt threatened to ban football unless colleges made the game less dangerous. At last, teams were allowed to throw the ball. The first coach to call a pass play was St. Louis University’s Eddie Cochems, in 1906. That first pass was incomplete, but Cochem’s team went on to a 11–0 record and outscored their opponents 407–11!

  Coach: I can’t believe you fumbled again!

  Fullback: Why not? I’ve been practicing all day!

  Reporter: Did the game have a happy ending?

  Coach: Yes, everybody was happy when it ended!

  Wide Receiver: What’s the best way to catch a ball?

  Coach: Have someone throw it to you!

  Linebacker: Is it better to play football on a full or empty stomach?

  Coach: It’s better to play on a field!

  Reporter: What’s the hardest thing about being tackled?

  Fullback: The ground!

  All Transportation Team

  Elroy “Crazylegs” Hirsch

  Joe Carr

  James Jett

  Tank Younger

  Night Train Lane

  Alan “The Horse” Ameche

  Raghib “Rocket” Ismail

  What runs around the field but does not move?

  The out-of-bounds marker!

  What is green, has three hundred feet, and white stripes?

  A football field!

  Why is it easy to draw on a football field?

  Because there is a marker every five yards!

  Why was the quarterback laughing on the sidelines?

  He left the game in stitches!

  Why did the coach cross the road?

  To get his quarterback!

  Bull Run, or Footbull

  Mark Gastineau, a defensive end with the New York Jets in the 1980s, was chosen to play in the annual Pro Bowl game in Hawaii. While walking down a Honolulu street, Gastineau unexpectedly ran into something resembling a hard-nosed fullback: a bull, which had escaped from a local zoo! Never one to avoid a challenge, Gastineau wrestled the animal and tackled it. Perhaps he thought the Pro Bowl (or Pro Bull!) had started early!

  Oops! Or Pushing up Daisies

  In the fifth round of the 1996 spring draft, the Montreal Alouettes of the Canadian Football League chose a defensive end who they felt showed a lot of promise. Imagine how they felt when they found out that this player had died in December of 1995! In fact, this was the second time in a year that the CFL had drafted a dead player! The chairman of the CFL had this to say on the drafting policies of his league: “I would think that the first qualification they may want to come up with is that the person is alive.”

  The Collector

  Since his first pro season in 1990, star running back Emmitt Smith of the Dallas Cowboys has kept every football he’s scored a touchdown with. Through the 1995 season, he had already scored 118 touchdowns! He keeps most of the footballs in his card shop in Pensacola, Florida, and some he gives to special friends.

  Just Point Me in the Right Direction!

  Pro Bowl defensive end Jim Marshall of the Minnesota Vikings didn’t have his best day on October 25, 1964. After picking up a fumble, he raced sixty yards to the goal line. He heard screaming and yelling from the crowd and tossed the ball up in the air. Then a 49er ran up and hugged him. Marshall wondered why until he realized he had just crossed the 49er goal line! The play was ruled a safety—two points for the 49ers—but luckily for Marshall, the Vikings were still able to win the game.

  Bill Me Later!

  When the Buffalo Bills run out onto the field just before a game, star running back Thurman Thomas is still hanging back in the locker room. Is Thurman nervous? Nope—just superstitious! He always has to be the second-to-last player to leave the locker room so he can say what he says before each game: “Last one out, turn out the lights.”

  All Hospital Team

  Troy Aikman

  Ken Payne

  Eric Hurt

  Leon Hart

  Tom Doctor

  Elbert Bloodgood

  What the Refs Say

  Illegal forward pass

  Loss of down

  Offside, encroaching, or neutral zone infraction

  Ineligible receiver or ineligible member of kicking team downfield

  Uncatchable forward pass

  What the Players Hear

  My fingers aren’t crossed—honest!

  Now, if I only had a hammock!

  My pants keep falling down!

  Look—I can touch my head and chew gum at the same time!

  And next year I hope to be this tall!

  Coach: That linebacker had nine sacks!

  Trainer: I know. He can barely move!

  Fan #1: Did you know that when a lineman slams his man down, it’s called a “pancake”?

  Fan #2: How waffle! br />
  Reporter: Why is the linebacker sitting on the bench?

  Coach: Because he’d take up too much room if he were lying down!

  Coach: What’s wrong with that player?

  Trainer: Oh, that’s the fullback. He ate too much before the game.

  All Flower Team

  Larry Flowers

  Joe Rose

  Ron Gardin

  Bob Lilly

  Frank Seeds

  Frank Budd

  Where do they play?

  The Rose Bowl!

  Kitchen Football, Or Movers and (Salt)Shakers!

  Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Jeff Blake played high school football in Sanford, Florida. His dad was the coach, and football practice often carried over to dinnertime at home. With a saltshaker as strong safety, a pepper grinder as weak safety, and water glasses as linebackers, Coach Blake would try to discuss a play with his son at the kitchen table. But Jeff had only one thing to say: “Dad, can we just eat?”

  Did You Want Anchovies on That?

  In 1986, back in the days of instant replay, Cardinals quarterback Neil Lomax thought the officials were taking an awfully long time to study the replay on a touchdown pass he had just thrown. His response? “I thought they were ordering a pizza !"

  And Now for My Next Trick…

  In a 1994 game, Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Demetrius DuBose had a very long day chasing Barry Sanders of the Detroit Lions. Sanders ran for 166 yards and disappeared from DuBose’s grasp all game. All a tired DuBose could say about Sanders was “He’s like Houdini!”

  What the Refs Say

  Delay of game, illegal substitution, or excess time out

  Crawling, interlocking interference, pushing, or helping runner

  Player disqualified

  Tripping

  What the Players Hear

  Watch me pull a rabbit out my sleeve!

  Won’t somebody please believe me!

  Can I get a ride home after the game?

  Curtsy to your partner!

  In what country is it impossible to win a football game?

  Thailand!

  What is gray, has a trunk, and flies through the air?

  An elepunt!

  How do you get a down in football?

  You don’t. You get down from a duck!

  Why was the kicker scared after he kicked the ball?

  He hit the ghoulpost!

  What do you call a ghost sitting in the stands?

  A spooktater!

  All Haircut Team

  Rudolph Barber

  Brenton Bangs

  Curly Lambeau

  Dana Stubblefield

  Morris “Red” Badgro

  Big Daddy Lipscomb

  Herbert Straight

  Ed Beard

  What the Refs Say

  Penalty refused, incomplete pass, play over, or missed goal

  Personal foul

  Holding

  Illegal use of hands, arms, or body

  Illegal motion at snap

  What the Players Hear

  SAFE!

  (Oops, wrong sport!)

  Ow! That hurts every time I do that!

  Don’t worry—

  I’m just checking my pulse!

  You know, 3 + 2 really is 5!

  You must be this tall to ride the roller coaster!

  Get the Message?

  To pump himself up before a game, NFL defensive back Andre Waters would write a note to himself with a phrase such as “Be strong today!” But he didn’t write it on paper. He wrote it on a piece of tape and then stuck it on his forehead! He only ran into a problem—and into other players—when he tried to read it during a game!

  A Moooving Experience

  How desperate are people for Super Bowl tickets? For the 1995 Super Bowl between Dallas and Pittsburgh in Tempe, Arizona, a Phoenix radio station offered a pair of tickets to a deserving fan. But there was a catch: The fan had to be willing to dive headfirst into two thousand pounds of cow manure! Fred Flores of Gilbert, Arizona, thought that was a small price to pay and gladly took the plunge.

  Sesame Strut

  All-Pro safety Merton Hanks of the San Francisco 49ers is known for his victory celebration dance in the locker room after a game. He does an exaggerated strut with his neck bobbing up and down like a pogo stick. His inspiration for the dance? Watching Bert’s pigeon dance on Sesame Street with his daughter Maya!

  All Tree Team

  Forrest Gregg

  Stump Mitchell

  Mel Branch

  Bobby Maples

  Donald Oakes

  Zefross Moss

  Nice catch!

  MATT CHRISTOPHER

  Football Jokes and Riddles

  What’s the hardest thing about being tackled? *

  Football bloopers, puzzlers, fun facts, and wacky stories—Matt Christopher, the number one sports writer for kids, scores a touchdown with this zany collection for fans of pigskin-tossing, gridiron-hitting action! Packed with laugh-out-loud illustrations, this book will make even the toughest linebacker smile.

  And for a lighthearted look at baseball, be sure to add Matt Christopher’s Baseball Jokes and Riddles to your shelves!

  * The ground!

 

 

  Matt Christopher, Matt Christopher's Football Jokes and Riddles

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